START HERE: Breadcrumbs to Wonderland ~ A Tale of Self-Discovery, Creativity, & Belonging

“I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.”  
- Alice

Fresh off a startup exit to and failed attempt at working in corporate, I was desperate to figure out what I wanted to do with the next phase my life. I now had a short list of things I didn’t want to do, which, I was told, was a good place to start. But I had no idea what I did want.

I decided to take some time and space to figure it out. No rules, no expectations, just time and space. I did all the things that I could think of to find inspiration.

I hired coaches, I read books, I did weekly therapy, I racked my brain, I drank on it, I slept on it, I tried antidepressants and anxiety meds, I did weed for the first time, I hiked, I wandered, I talked to friends, I meditated, I camped alone in the woods…but nothing worked. Nothing was cracking the vault.

The meditation turned out to be my most promising lead. It was new for me, and it usually required a gummy or 2 before I could really get into it, but I was loving it.

One day, I’d completed my daily Mindfulness for Beginners meditation with Jeff Warren and wanted to stay in it. (Sidenote: For anyone who thinks they’re too rebellious to meditate, I encourage you to give Jeff a shot – he gets me.)

I went digging in the Calm app troves. I typed the letters “creat”, searching for inspiration. A masterclass by Elizabeth Gilbert appeared on the list. The Eat Pray Love-lady??? Yes!!!

I settled in contentedly, ready to let the Big Magic begin, but, in minute 14, my life changed forever.

I’d been happily soaking in Liz’s beautiful stories and sultry voice, determined to absorb every droplet of her wisdom into my being and magically transform into a creative. It was so, so good. I thanked the universe and the creators of Calm for putting this session in my path.

But then, without warning, I suddenly couldn’t breathe. And tears were spraying from my face. Woah. I had to stop the session. I jotted down the time, minute 14. Then, I walked away.

It took several days to gather the courage to go back to it. I couldn’t remember specifically what she’d been talking about. I just knew I needed to be ready to receive it.

When I went back, I learned that she’d been telling a story of a woman who’d approached her to tell her that she wanted to write a book but was too afraid.

Mic drop. I guess I want to write a book.

As you can imagine, I learned many things about myself from that session, but mostly I learned about my fear. For the first time, I was directly faced with an indisputable inner truth that didn’t reconcile with who I thought I was and the life I thought I was living.  Contrary to what I’d convinced myself, fear was in the driver's seat of my life, and it was time to pull over and switch.

Thank you, Liz. This is my love letter to you. You don’t know me, but you are one of my closest friends and most inspiring mentors.

Thanks to that session and my body’s visceral reaction to it, I began my writing journey. And it felt good. My stories poured out of me for weeks. All the good ones. You know the ones. The adventures, the inspirations, the humblebrags. The ones you share every time you discover a stranger has a connection or reminisce with friends. I smiled and felt gratified as I typed them. These were my old friends and my first breadcrumbs.

When all the classics were harvested, I stopped. I knew I didn’t have a bestselling on my hands yet, but I knew there was something there. There had to be. The directive to write had come directly from my heart.

I decided to be patient with the process. I began noticing other breadcrumbs and unpacking them. Noticing things that made me feel good, things that made me feel crappy, things that lit me up, things that shut me down. When I found them, I logged them. I typed random thoughts in a notes app, I made voice recordings in the bathtub, I drew in a sketchbook, I made powerpoints, word docs, and spreadsheets, I looked closely at the photos I’d taken along the way, I journaled, I whiteboarded.

Really, I just wanted to keep the ideas coming, to gain my heart’s trust by proving that I cared enough to listen to what it wanted, that it was safe to share those deep, hidden desires I knew were there. I collected the breadcrumbs religiously and I coveted them.

As they piled up, like any true entrepreneur, artist, and writer would, I used them to create, to build. I erected scaffolding and structures to support, organize, and integrate my newfound breadcrumbs. I opened up, dug deep, and investigated relentlessly to uncover the why behind each of them.

Throughout the process, every breadcrumb was carefully placed within a multi-faceted, multi-planed puzzle in my brain and in Sharpie on a 4x6 notecard, without knowing where they fit or what they would reveal in the end.

Eventually, I found the universal themes and I used those themes to unpack, dissect, craft, and assemble the stories and the viewpoints into unique writing, art, products, and business models.

I trusted the process and I believed in myself. I trusted that a simple and elegant solution would emerge from the chaos. And I hoped it would connect me to the world.

It’s taken more than 2 years to get here, but this blog, my website, my upcoming book, the shop, and the community are my offering, my bid to the world.

Each of these pieces represent an important facet of me: the stories I’ve only just found the courage to tell, in my version, my notions of beauty and wonder depicted, my ideas for gratification in the world shared. And now I’m sharing it with you in hopes of casting a wide net to inspire and connect with my kindred spirits out there.

My book, Alice Falling, tells the story of my journey, of my adventures in the wonderland of a privileged but damaged life. It’s an adventurous tale that seeks to make sense of the decisions that were made, of the generational and societal trauma behind the stories I told for decades as party tricks, of the truth in those faint flickers of inspiration or discomfort that I’d trained myself to ignore and bury deeply, and finally, of finally releasing ill-fitting expectations and allowing myself to dream, to create, and to share without filter or restraint.

My shop, Alice Gratified, is a dream I’ve had since working in a boutique in high school. I love merch. I love thoughtful, beautiful pieces that serve a function and make a statement, inspire, and/or create a sense of belonging. I don’t think women have enough affordable and authentic options to meet these needs. It’s a dream come true to design products using the art and photography I have been creating throughout my life. Each piece in the Alice Gratified collection represents an extraordinary moment for me, a moment when I lived and the world stood still for me, when I found connection and was gratified by it.

And finally, the community, Unbirthdays, brings it all to life. Now that I’ve unbridled my creative spirit, I want to help others do the same! I’m creating a community filled with inspiration. I believe that every day holds endless opportunities for celebrating curiosity, for reveling in chaos, for finding a spark, for connecting with the world. Unbirthdays is more than just a social app, it’s a social movement, it’s a place for us all to belong.

The Alice in Wonderland theme that permeates my creative work was unintentional, at first. It just showed up one day and never left, instead finding endless parallels, imagery, and new lessons to explore. Like Alice, I often feel like an awkward, clumsy, and uninvited guest in someone else’s world, taking longer than I should to understand the customs, but appreciating the challenge.

Like Alice’s adventures, my journey has been about discovering and balancing an imaginative, absurd, and creative version of wonderland with the real and paradoxical expectations and requirements of thriving, producing, and succeeding in traditional society.

Because of this process, I now feel as though I can traverse at will through the looking glass, through wonderland, and back again, with curiosity always at the helm, not fear. I now feel unrestrained in the world, drinking in knowledge, aligning with my heart, and reveling in gratification.

Because I listened to my heart, I gained its trust. It guides me more and more now and I’m following its directive to share this journey with you. It is my hope that together we will endeavor to close the gap between what’s “real” or “expected” of us and what’s truly in our hearts to live a more gratified life.

I know that beauty, inspiration, and connection can be found in everything and everyone. It’s just up to each of us to stay open and curious long enough to find it. And that’s how we #staygratified.

Thank you for joining me on this adventure.

“Why,” said the Dodo, “the best way to explain it is to do it.”